Lead by example is a simple concept that doesn’t need to be explained. However, it often fails in application. One area it fails in consistently is parenting. We all know that kids follow what other people do. What’s important to note is the terminology here – kids do what “other people” do. Yes, they do what their parents do, they do what their siblings do, but they also do what other people do. This topic is important to understand because what it means is that if you’re not leading by example, someone else will. Children are going to follow an example, and if you’re not the one setting it, then someone else will; whether it’s intentional or not. And that can be good or bad. Kids are going to copy behavior they see as cool, entertaining, or interesting. Unfortunately bad behavior can sometimes fit those descriptions. So unless you’re setting the example to NOT do those things, then those behaviors may get adopted by them.
When we talk about setting the example there are a few concepts that need to be addressed. One is that children are likely to mimic behavior of those they spend the most time with. Obviously you’re not going to be with your kids all the time. Some people are barely with their kids at all; be it because of divorce or long working hours or other reasons. So it’s critical that when you are with your kids you are constantly setting the example. This goes hand-in-hand with the second concept which is respect and admiration.
If your kids like, respect, and admire you they are more likely to mimic your behavior. This can be used as a tool to hedge against bad behaviors presented to your kids when you are not around, and a reinforcement technique for good behaviors when you are around. Notice the word used was “like” and not “love.” Your kids are innately inclined to love you. But to get your kids to like you and respect you requires effort, patience, compassion, reasoning, and a whole host of other tools. The better they perceive you and your treatment of them the more they will like you and the more you can influence their good behaviors.
Another concept to address is that leading by example isn’t limited to just displaying a physical example. Kids pick up on your mentality as well. They see right through you and are constantly picking up on your confidence, authority, sadness, worry, anger, joyfulness, and friendliness. For this reason it’s important to have your mental house in order. It’s been said that babies can start adopting mental traits of their mother while they are still in the womb like relaxed, calm, stressed, etc. If you as an adult are constantly stressed or worried, your kids will be the same. On the contrary, if you are confident and like to try new things, your kids will be the same. Get your mental house in order. Identify traits you need to work on and traits you would like to see in your kids and make it happen.
An area that specifically needs to be address in leading by example is fitness and food choices. If you’re overweight, there’s a whole host of area’s you’re likely failing to lead in. Exercise, play, eating habits, discipline, productivity, and prioritizing are just a few. Kids generally exercise through play. If you can’t actively play with them it’s easy for them to not get the exercise they need. Further if you aren’t prioritizing your health then they won’t either. If you can’t discipline yourself to eat proper portions or eat healthy foods, they won’t either. You have to ask yourself what you want for your kids; if you want them to be fit and capable, steer them in that direction by practicing fitness and capability yourself. If you’ve tried to get the weight off and have failed and quit, you’ve showed them that it’s okay to struggle and fail and quit. It’s controversial but needs to be said – If your kids are overweight, it’s at least partly your fault.
Lastly, let’s talk about the phrase “do as I say, not as I do.” What a bunch of nonsense. You’re in effect telling your kids to be better than you and heed your guidance when you can’t even heed your own guidance. We could change the saying to “do as I do” but we don’t actually even need to do that. It will happen naturally, we just have to make sure we’re setting the right example.
It’s on every one of us to give our kids a better life than we had. In order to do that, we need to give them the proper tools to do so. The tools are not verbal guidance; the tools are healthy habits built over a lifetime that will be passed to their kids and establish generational greatness.
Lead by example. If you don’t, someone else will.